Dear Dad

Haven't done one of these posts in a while. Haven't published a post in a while, oops! I thought it was about time I did another. This time it is a letter to my dad, which is going to be a hard one, I can tell you know.


The reason why I love writing this style of post as it makes me 1) have to express everything that I feel, no hiding, no holding back, just everything written down on a space where I feel 100% comfortable. 2) it means I can say my piece, let go and move on. 3) it's just a really good way to say stuff. Again, this is gonna be a long one and there is some swearing in this so apologies.

So without further ado, here is the latest letter...

Dear Dad,
 
Where to even begin.
First up, just so you know, this is going to be brutal. For years I have held back how I feel about everything and I am just sick of it, it is dragging me down when I am trying to flying high.
 
Let me start at the beginning. Childhood was good, obviously you and mum were still together, had the perfect family, but how I was wrong. So completely and utterly wrong. Now, I am sure I don't know all the facts, and I am sure if you read this, then you will probably correct me as per usual and get your side of the story in first but for once in your life, shut up and let me speak [well, write].
 
When granddad died, you turned to drink to cope. I can understand that to some extent as you just lost your dad and of course, you are hurting. We all were. But you were so dependent on the alcohol that you forgot one very important thing you had left, your family. I cant even imagine what it is like to lose a parent, I have both you and mum still, so I am not even going to imagine what it is like.
 
You are my dad by birth or whatever but the fact that I see Andrew more as my dad than you and that's pathetic. It just shows how the alcohol was more important than us.
And for years, I used to think that was my fault. That I did something to make you do that, that I wasn't good enough to be your daughter. For so god damn long, I was punishing myself in order to do things that make you proud and for you to come home. You never did.
 
You never saw me dance my heart out in my dance exams. You never saw when I was awarded the house award at secondary school. You never saw me cry over the fact that my brother was bullying me. You never saw me at my proudest moment in life when I graduated, twice. You never saw me grow up. And that is completely your fault.
 Because you only saw the bottle of a beer glass.
 
Now let us move on and talk about Alison. I don't know how you two got together, to be honest I couldn't give a shit, however, I do give a shit about what happens next. You should know by now that I don't want anything to do with that part of your life nor do I need to know about it.
 
And for the love of god, can you stop talking about how dickhead has come to see you or even say his name to me like I hate him, I couldn't give a shit about him, why you mentioning him? I bet all you do is bitch about people and please don't talk to him about me, the hell you telling him stuff about me for anyway, like it makes no sense?!
 
It is also nice to know that you still have my mobile number since you haven't called me in like four months, except for my birthday, where you just talked about yourself for most of it.
 
I wish there was a lighter note to this letter but I can't think of one, except I did love it when we went to Scarborough and actually spent father-daughter time, those were happier times. But that's it so I am just going to end it here.
From your daughter,
Caroline
...
Well there you go!
Until next time 
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All photographs are my own

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