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Sunday, 11 June 2017

Dear Michael,

How to do an introduction for my 400th post. To be true, I can't. No amount of words will ever really explain what this post really is but here I am. Yeah, it is a letter but something is different with this one when compared to my others ones I have published.

Now, you will probably be wondering who Michael is. He isn't an ex, he isn't a friend, he isn't even alive. He is my big brother. My big brother who sadly was never alive. He was a stillborn.


This photo is my own.
I recently read a post by the lovely Beth, on her amazing Polished Couture blog, about the loss of her big brother and why she doesn't class herself as an only child. Just to be clear, her big brother was not a stillborn but I did relate to her post. It was so beautifully written [please, please read her post] but gosh, it brought up some really hard feelings surrounding Michael. Now, I have two other older brothers, I say I have one though but that is a different story completely but it is hard when people ask if I have any siblings, knowing that I have three older brothers.

There are more than 3,600 stillbirths in the UK every year [stat from NHS] and I wanted to write this post, not for sympathy [farrrr from that] but to try and raise awareness of stillbirths. My mum doesn't really talk about Michael, she has told me about him but I don't really know a lot, that is understandable, but there is not a day that goes by where I don't think about him and what could of been if he was here.

Due to this, I have decided to write him a letter so here it is...

Dear Michael,
 
Where to even begin.
First up, I hope God is keeping you safe and happy up there with Granddad, Grandpa and Grandma. I hope you are all singing and dancing and that Grandma is knitting you so many clothing that you cannot see pass all of that wool!
 
Secondly, I miss you so much. I know we have never met but you have impacted my life in more ways than you will probably know.
You are with me every single minute of every single hour of every single day and you are what has gotten me through all of the crap and heartache and without you, I wouldn't be here.
 
Thirdly, life has been eventful to say the least. More downs than highs. Gosh, there have been so many lows, as I am sure you have seen but I think we are all ok now. I hope we are all ok now.
 
I will always think of what could have been if you were alive now. What you would be doing, what you would look like, if we would get along.
If you hadn't of died then I wouldn't be here. I know that for sure. Mum and dad wouldn't have had another kid, they would have had three, but instead they had four, and knowing that hurts me. That you died in order for me to even be alive. And I am so sorry for that. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry.
 
I feel ashamed of how I have turned out. Even more ashamed that I was going to give it all up and leave this earth. Because I was going to give up something you never had the chance to experience. I was going to give up living.
 
I just want you to know that I am trying. Trying to live for both of us. Trying to do things that will make you proud to call me your little sister. And when my time has finished on this planet, I am going to tell you everything weird and wonderful about life.
Who Henry VIII was and how many wives he had [and tell you in the correct order and how they died]. Who Colin Morgan is. How amazing sweet potato fries are. What Pythagoras' theorem is. Well perhaps not the last one but I will try. Even the crappy bits but even more of the positives.
One big massive story time.
 
So that is it, Michael. That is all I have for now.
Sleep tight big brother, I will see you soon!
With a lot of love and hugs!
Your little sister,
Caroline

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